Thursday, May 22, 2003

Pygmies beg UN for aid to save them from Congo cannibals

A planet is depicted on the United Nations flag. But what planet? The planet Mongo, ruled by the evil Emperor Ming, the Master of the Universe, who is sucking out the atmosphere from earth using mysterious blue rays. No? It might as well be. Read this lead story from the staid Times of London:

Pygmy leaders have called on the UN to set up an international tribunal to put government and rebel fighters from the Democratic Republic of Congo on trial for acts of cannibalism against their people.

Sinafasi Makelo, a representative of Mbuti pygmies, told the UN’s Indigenous People’s Forum that during the four-year civil war his people had been hunted down and eaten.

“In living memory, we have seen cruelty, massacres, and genocide, but we have never seen human beings hunted down as though they were game animals,” he said.

“Pygmies are being pursued in the forests. People have been eaten. This is nothing more, nothing less, than a crime against humanity.”

In the meantime, "about 750, mostly Uruguayan, UN peacekeepers are stationed there, but they do not have the authority to use lethal force."  And the solution? Hold on to your shorts: the UN Indigenous People's Forum is asking the to "UN Security Council to recognize cannibalism as a crime against humanity and an act of genocide."

That's right. If the cannibals don't stop they'll be prosecuted at the International Criminal Court, in Belgium. Since the Belgian Army has an average age of 40 and employs hundreds of hairdressers, despite a shortage of equipment, the world will may soon be regaled by the sight of platoons of middle-aged hairdressers attempting to serve subpoenas on cannibals in the Congo for the crime of eating pygmies. Ain't the UN wonderful?

I think I'd better go back to the Planet Mongo with Flash Gordon to save Dale Arden from the clutches of Ming the Merciless, Master of the Universe. It's more normal there.